October
24, 2017
Michel
My love,
I
always adore you, my love.
I
know you had enough of me saying “I love you” all the time –
but I don't only say, I write it. I write it because it makes me warm
all over inside to write it to you.
It
is such a terribly long time since I say “I love you” and such a
long time that I didn't read any of your little notes left inside my
books or on the kitchen counters or left in every corner of our
'home' – It's almost two years now and feels like forever. I know
that writing is wonderful because even when you're gone – looking
at your little notes seems like you're here, just there.... I don't
know if that makes a lot of sense but I guess most might agree with
me. I still continue to smell your little notes. I love that unique
scent. Best perfume in the world.
My
love, my husband and I call each other... “my better or my other
half”. I know and understood your messages. I keep reading them and
I carry them with me in my wallet so when i'm down, I just read your
notes. It's helping me a lot. I just want to tell you that I love
you. I know you may not be able to read this letter but you sure did
read all my past notes to you. You said, “thank you sweety, I love
you too.. i'm such a blessed and lucky man..”
Honestly,
I find it so hard to understand in my mind what it means to love you
after you are dead – but I still want to comfort and support you
(emotionally) in every way I can. - I want you to love me and care
for me. I miss talking and sharing problems to discuss with you – I
want to do little projects with you. I love to hear you saying, “well
done sweety!” whenever I accomplish something. We started to make
plans together and find it funny after discussing our terms together.
- I miss your big laugh which is only once and in a while to hear. I
miss everything about you! - can't do anything now. All are just
plain figment of my imaginations, where is the “ideal man” and
general instigator of all our many adventures.
Whenever
you were not present to our special days, you worried because you
thought I am sad. You needn't have worried nor sad. Just as I keep
telling you, I love you in so many ways so much. And now it is
clearly even more true – you can give me nothing now yet I love you
so that you stand in my way of loving anyone else – but I want you
to stand there. You, dead, are so much better than anyone else alive.
This
reminds me of the child, she was so scared with the ghost when she
was young and when she grew up, she realized that the humans are more
scarier. Funny but I tend to agree. I understand that now my love, so
true. Sometimes, people forget that they are ghost themselves.
Incredible. Gosh! I am so alone now and time to time, I keep telling
to myself that I am so grateful that I've met you too my love because
if I didn't meet you. I am most probably in the jungle right now
mixed with the other monkeys, keep on leaping like a frog from
different trees and when they're not busy they sit down in a
staircase type and starts to find KUTO (lice) in their heads. Worst
part is that, they eat their own lice.
My
love, I remember all those moments that we were sitting at the porch
of the hotel. We were talking about a lot of things. LIFE. I just
want to write and share to the whole world that, I understood
everything. I understood that life is what we make and we are the
ones making choices and not other people. I understood that, facing
mistakes is more an answer to the solutions and that it's a one step
of being brave. I understood that, not all NICE people are NICE and
BAD people are BAD. I understood that part of living a perfect life
is living with no GUILTs and no REGRETs. A lot of things that I
understood my love. You left me with so much treasure, a treasure to
live by – not materials things but wisdom. “the body of knowledge
and principles that develops within a specified society or period.”
“the quality of having experience, knowledge, and good judgement,
the quality of being WISE.” - see, the definition explains very
well my love.
I
am very aware now that you assure me that I am foolish and that you
want me to have full happiness and you don't want to be in my way.
Remember this part of our conversation whenever we are traveling? It
was in Iceland when we were standing on that beautiful landscape
viewing that huge and long waterfalls? It was very calm and all we
can hear was the sound of the water falling, you said and I quote,
“when I'm gone sweety, go and fly, live the life, continue living,
you're still a young chick... go.. spread your wings...” - I
remember I replied and said... “nobody is going to die, we will
live.. we will spend two hundred years together!” then we laugh..
yes, you kiss my forehead and that was the other best part of my
life, being with you... I LOVE YOU!
Lately
my love, my life is more like a rolling coaster. My hormones is
giving me so much trouble sometimes and believe me, i'm going nuts
and bananas too! I thought I was climbing the wall! It took a while
for me to settle and to calm down my love, looks like your technique
of breathing IN and OUT is kind of working on me. I am also doing
your stretching sessions. It works pretty well and I keep pushing
myself to continue doing it.
Anyways,
my love, I better finish my coffee now. It's getting colder and
doesn't taste good. Guess what, I was listening to the song,
Unchained Melody, soundtrack from the movie Ghost, remember we
watched this twice? This made me think that perhaps, i'm gonna learn
pottery and when I am good with controlling the pottery making, I
will save a room just for pottery and will play the music, unchained
melody and who knows maybe you will be there.... dancing with me?
Funny. Movie perks!
Sigh...
My love, strange but now its raining outside and its sunny too,
bizarre. I think the weather knows my sentiments. I am not sad now
because you are in my heart always. You know that I love you and that
you loved me too. I am just really glad that we had that one moment
in time before you passed out, we had this moment of appreciating
each other, how blessed we were, I remember you keep telling me when
we were rushing you to the hospital, how much you loved me and that
you were so blessed that you have me in your life and I do too. Your
last words, “I am so blessed to have you in my life, sweety. I love
you”
My
love Michel, I love you. I love my husband. My husband is dead.
Lorna
ps.
I was not able to send you this email because my love, I honestly
don't know your new address
