SIMPLY DEFINING my CLOSURE

“You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.” ~Unknown

The word CLOSURE keep running to me little brain after my (final or last) meeting yesterday in Vietnam and i was like trying to find that subject that i can resemble to that matter. Is it weird to feel the need for closure? For whole trip I end up exploring the notion of closure, the more convinced I become that the issue isn’t about closure per se, but rather redefining what closure is. I think these is the part where sunflower came to me mind, I have no idea as to why.. 

Is it maybe the sunflower defines that notion.. The sunflower follows the sun. There's always hope and tomorrow, simply like that.. or maybe Im talking crap right now or maybe it says that when the sunflower bend down and fall its yellow petals unto the ground, it means, ending any kind of relationship or connection or role or I don't know... maybe it doesn't. 

I was on my way to the airport after our meeting yesterday in Hanoi. I had this rather short reflection inside the car and i had this mixed emotions. I felt like I just came out from these very dark cave and I felt so good after seeing the light, it was more of a relief after coming from a crumble situation with all those tears, time and energy for few years. 

For years, I was shackled to the belief that there must be a good end to (any) bad relationship or role, no matter how bad that was and until that happens, its more glorious to move on! I had these past experience dealing with people whom I define 'my past' and clearly no matter how bad they are to me, I feel like... I was able wrapped up that situation and throw all in the bin and i felt good! Until then, that's the part to wipe those hands, clean and go about life with closure...

Sometimes, no matter how good you are to people and agonizing about tying to have these heartfelt and 'necessary' conversations with people with whom you thought you had fallouts but trying seems not to work because only to realize that you're not really important anymore. The statement goes like these... “you got yours, I got mine...” 

This morning, i thought I'm gonna play with my camera and find inspiration to define the word closure. (made me smile just now... ) simply defines as FINALITY? Letting go of what once was? (Yes, i accepted the fact that my husband is dead.) Lots of huge happenings in my life, my past that i can't undo but learning from it. My transition away from what's finished to something new. Simply trying to find something different possibilities. 

I might not have gotten everything I wanted exactly in the way that I had envisioned, but Im glad that I was able to get myself to a place where I understood and accepted a lot of things. 

I was ready to move on and learn to begin a new chapter of my life. Sigh... 

Some days it comes easier than others. There are times when I want to dwell on how much it sucks that I have to work so hard to feel okay sometimes.

On the tough days, I am learning to go inward. I practice positive self-talk, celebrate how far I’ve come, and remind myself that closure is not just one thing. I remind myself that I have the power to create all the closure I need if I keep practicing and having faith.

Lastly, I also learned that you will become a better creature of 'closure' if you don't have any regrets and guilts in your life, no matter how much money you've got, no matter how many countries you've seen or travelled or no matter how far you go, that my friend is no closure for you at all. Forgive yourself and don't grow stubborn and spoiled. Learn to have a good heart and understand that not all people are like you. Be compassionate in the name of love but not in the name of money or material things.

Maybe it’s about learning to become a detective for closure in your everyday life in order to find it in your own way.

...till then, the flowers come and go but hope it doesn't, it remains...

MY LETTER TO YOU

October 24, 2017

Michel My love,

I always adore you, my love.

I know you had enough of me saying “I love you” all the time – but I don't only say, I write it. I write it because it makes me warm all over inside to write it to you.

It is such a terribly long time since I say “I love you” and such a long time that I didn't read any of your little notes left inside my books or on the kitchen counters or left in every corner of our 'home' – It's almost two years now and feels like forever. I know that writing is wonderful because even when you're gone – looking at your little notes seems like you're here, just there.... I don't know if that makes a lot of sense but I guess most might agree with me. I still continue to smell your little notes. I love that unique scent. Best perfume in the world.

My love, my husband and I call each other... “my better or my other half”. I know and understood your messages. I keep reading them and I carry them with me in my wallet so when i'm down, I just read your notes. It's helping me a lot. I just want to tell you that I love you. I know you may not be able to read this letter but you sure did read all my past notes to you. You said, “thank you sweety, I love you too.. i'm such a blessed and lucky man..”

Honestly, I find it so hard to understand in my mind what it means to love you after you are dead – but I still want to comfort and support you (emotionally) in every way I can. - I want you to love me and care for me. I miss talking and sharing problems to discuss with you – I want to do little projects with you. I love to hear you saying, “well done sweety!” whenever I accomplish something. We started to make plans together and find it funny after discussing our terms together. - I miss your big laugh which is only once and in a while to hear. I miss everything about you! - can't do anything now. All are just plain figment of my imaginations, where is the “ideal man” and general instigator of all our many adventures.

Whenever you were not present to our special days, you worried because you thought I am sad. You needn't have worried nor sad. Just as I keep telling you, I love you in so many ways so much. And now it is clearly even more true – you can give me nothing now yet I love you so that you stand in my way of loving anyone else – but I want you to stand there. You, dead, are so much better than anyone else alive.

This reminds me of the child, she was so scared with the ghost when she was young and when she grew up, she realized that the humans are more scarier. Funny but I tend to agree. I understand that now my love, so true. Sometimes, people forget that they are ghost themselves. Incredible. Gosh! I am so alone now and time to time, I keep telling to myself that I am so grateful that I've met you too my love because if I didn't meet you. I am most probably in the jungle right now mixed with the other monkeys, keep on leaping like a frog from different trees and when they're not busy they sit down in a staircase type and starts to find KUTO (lice) in their heads. Worst part is that, they eat their own lice.

My love, I remember all those moments that we were sitting at the porch of the hotel. We were talking about a lot of things. LIFE. I just want to write and share to the whole world that, I understood everything. I understood that life is what we make and we are the ones making choices and not other people. I understood that, facing mistakes is more an answer to the solutions and that it's a one step of being brave. I understood that, not all NICE people are NICE and BAD people are BAD. I understood that part of living a perfect life is living with no GUILTs and no REGRETs. A lot of things that I understood my love. You left me with so much treasure, a treasure to live by – not materials things but wisdom. “the body of knowledge and principles that develops within a specified society or period.” “the quality of having experience, knowledge, and good judgement, the quality of being WISE.” - see, the definition explains very well my love.

I am very aware now that you assure me that I am foolish and that you want me to have full happiness and you don't want to be in my way. Remember this part of our conversation whenever we are traveling? It was in Iceland when we were standing on that beautiful landscape viewing that huge and long waterfalls? It was very calm and all we can hear was the sound of the water falling, you said and I quote, “when I'm gone sweety, go and fly, live the life, continue living, you're still a young chick... go.. spread your wings...” - I remember I replied and said... “nobody is going to die, we will live.. we will spend two hundred years together!” then we laugh.. yes, you kiss my forehead and that was the other best part of my life, being with you... I LOVE YOU!

Lately my love, my life is more like a rolling coaster. My hormones is giving me so much trouble sometimes and believe me, i'm going nuts and bananas too! I thought I was climbing the wall! It took a while for me to settle and to calm down my love, looks like your technique of breathing IN and OUT is kind of working on me. I am also doing your stretching sessions. It works pretty well and I keep pushing myself to continue doing it.

Anyways, my love, I better finish my coffee now. It's getting colder and doesn't taste good. Guess what, I was listening to the song, Unchained Melody, soundtrack from the movie Ghost, remember we watched this twice? This made me think that perhaps, i'm gonna learn pottery and when I am good with controlling the pottery making, I will save a room just for pottery and will play the music, unchained melody and who knows maybe you will be there.... dancing with me? Funny. Movie perks!

Sigh... My love, strange but now its raining outside and its sunny too, bizarre. I think the weather knows my sentiments. I am not sad now because you are in my heart always. You know that I love you and that you loved me too. I am just really glad that we had that one moment in time before you passed out, we had this moment of appreciating each other, how blessed we were, I remember you keep telling me when we were rushing you to the hospital, how much you loved me and that you were so blessed that you have me in your life and I do too. Your last words, “I am so blessed to have you in my life, sweety. I love you”

My love Michel, I love you. I love my husband. My husband is dead.

Lorna

ps. I was not able to send you this email because my love, I honestly don't know your new address