SIMPLY DEFINING my CLOSURE

“You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.” ~Unknown

The word CLOSURE keep running to me little brain after my (final or last) meeting yesterday in Vietnam and i was like trying to find that subject that i can resemble to that matter. Is it weird to feel the need for closure? For whole trip I end up exploring the notion of closure, the more convinced I become that the issue isn’t about closure per se, but rather redefining what closure is. I think these is the part where sunflower came to me mind, I have no idea as to why.. 

Is it maybe the sunflower defines that notion.. The sunflower follows the sun. There's always hope and tomorrow, simply like that.. or maybe Im talking crap right now or maybe it says that when the sunflower bend down and fall its yellow petals unto the ground, it means, ending any kind of relationship or connection or role or I don't know... maybe it doesn't. 

I was on my way to the airport after our meeting yesterday in Hanoi. I had this rather short reflection inside the car and i had this mixed emotions. I felt like I just came out from these very dark cave and I felt so good after seeing the light, it was more of a relief after coming from a crumble situation with all those tears, time and energy for few years. 

For years, I was shackled to the belief that there must be a good end to (any) bad relationship or role, no matter how bad that was and until that happens, its more glorious to move on! I had these past experience dealing with people whom I define 'my past' and clearly no matter how bad they are to me, I feel like... I was able wrapped up that situation and throw all in the bin and i felt good! Until then, that's the part to wipe those hands, clean and go about life with closure...

Sometimes, no matter how good you are to people and agonizing about tying to have these heartfelt and 'necessary' conversations with people with whom you thought you had fallouts but trying seems not to work because only to realize that you're not really important anymore. The statement goes like these... “you got yours, I got mine...” 

This morning, i thought I'm gonna play with my camera and find inspiration to define the word closure. (made me smile just now... ) simply defines as FINALITY? Letting go of what once was? (Yes, i accepted the fact that my husband is dead.) Lots of huge happenings in my life, my past that i can't undo but learning from it. My transition away from what's finished to something new. Simply trying to find something different possibilities. 

I might not have gotten everything I wanted exactly in the way that I had envisioned, but Im glad that I was able to get myself to a place where I understood and accepted a lot of things. 

I was ready to move on and learn to begin a new chapter of my life. Sigh... 

Some days it comes easier than others. There are times when I want to dwell on how much it sucks that I have to work so hard to feel okay sometimes.

On the tough days, I am learning to go inward. I practice positive self-talk, celebrate how far I’ve come, and remind myself that closure is not just one thing. I remind myself that I have the power to create all the closure I need if I keep practicing and having faith.

Lastly, I also learned that you will become a better creature of 'closure' if you don't have any regrets and guilts in your life, no matter how much money you've got, no matter how many countries you've seen or travelled or no matter how far you go, that my friend is no closure for you at all. Forgive yourself and don't grow stubborn and spoiled. Learn to have a good heart and understand that not all people are like you. Be compassionate in the name of love but not in the name of money or material things.

Maybe it’s about learning to become a detective for closure in your everyday life in order to find it in your own way.

...till then, the flowers come and go but hope it doesn't, it remains...

Sunset in my life

“Sunset is a wonderful opportunity for us to appreciate all the great things the sun gives us!” ― Mehmet Murat ildan

Whoa! It has certainly been a while! I remember the last time I was taking photos of the ocean was when I was in Indonesia, that was a year ago. My photo shots is taking me everywhere and I'm really enjoying it. I've been putting my heart and soul into my new project and hopefully it will be fruitful in the end.

The majority of my time will be spent on my website, as i'm busy upgrading and updating my details and busy also doing my project.

Today, I thought to change my cover photo because I thought its about time. Lolz. This sunset photo inspired me a lot lately. From the word “sunset” it already says something powerful about life.

I thought this photo speaks to me so well. I've been through all the ups and downs this past months. Many incidents that is teaching me and reminding me that sometimes, “shit happens.” In some ways, it hit me a bit and changed the way I see and do things.

Over time, I must say that at one stage, my inbox has been flooded with emails from friends around the world, reminding me.. and I quote.. “hey, you're not that.. people think you're like that, but you're not..” OR “..expect people to judge you but let it be, it will pass, real friends will always be there for you no matter what...” what a sweet lines to read, right?

T'was really a one wonderful feeling to know that there are people out there, who cares, loyal and will emotionally support you. I was also touched when I talked to my best friend Abel about life and shit... he said, “people love to see you fall so don't get provoked with their nonsense.. be strong and have faith...” – Going back to my zodiac, it came to me and made me remember, is this really the year of the dragon where its being picked by the sheep? Apparently, not all the dragons are spitting fire, isn't it.. lolz..

As I was taking a photo of the sunset. I thought i'm gonna sit on this big stone and leave my camera next to me. I started again to reflect with so many things. I knew this is what I needed to do. Rewind and unwind.

You know, there's something especially powerful about connecting with people. First, strangers. You will get to know them, become friends, then fights, then hatred, then enemies until suddenly. Sadness.. then again, happiness because you start to meet another strangers and will become friends... its a cycle. But if you come to think about it, seems, to be a Stranger from the start but the connection brought you to life. The journey into wholeness, fulfillment, bliss, self-awareness and purpose that just makes you come even more alive.

So, as the sun started to slowly bidding goodbye. I finally realized that, what happened today is gone. We can't undo things. I guess the sunset speaks a lot with me today. It basically says that, I should work on letting go and stop caring what everyone else thinking and instead define MYSELF. That's a lot of thinking but I figured out how to turn those dark days into something much bigger. I learned that I should continue to live life (on purpose). I learned what it meant to feel blissfully alive while living in alignment with my truth.

(sigh) Anyways, It's now getting dark so I have to go back to our room. On my way back, I took few snap shots of the beach. Which i'm gonna be sharing with you soon.

Life must move on even if the sun sets. Tomorrow is another day filled with sun that shines upon us. Be grateful and happiness will naturally comes back to you.

Much love my dear Friends and thank you once again for reading my long journal today.

...THE THOUGHT OF...

“Life is too short to waste any amount of time on wondering what other people think about you. In the first place, if they had better things going on in their lives, they wouldn't have the time to sit around and talk about you. What's important to me is not others' opinions of me, but what's important to me is my opinion of myself.”  ― C. JoyBell C

Going through the pace of adjustment period is always the part where challenges arises. Before my surgery, I went pretty deep thinking about the pleasant and unpleasant experiences I'm gonna go through after my operation. I noticed that the part of accepting something new especially when it comes to your health is pretty serious. I don't really know if i can make this change especially when it comes to food intake (strict diet menu) in a long term commitment but i will try. lolz


After two to three weeks of not writing my journal. I thought i will be writing again a long paragraphs of thoughts. I remember when i was at the hospital, i started to reflect again on many things especially those experiences that i've encountered from bad and good. I found that there are many people trying to search for love outside themselves and its about searching for someone to show them that love is such a big word and it does mean a lot of things. BUT. in fact, the only person who can actually show you love is YOURSELF. The condition is, IF you open your own heart and forgive, you will eventually find INNER PEACE and not only LOVE. 


There is this friend of mine in Singapore. She always love me since the day one we meet. (12 years ago). She's amazing and i am scared of how much i care and feel the appreciation of how loving she is to me. I am not perfect. I hurt myself sometimes, i hurt her, but we always come to the point of solving things with love. A love friendship. I believe that when you ACCEPT a person for who they are, the day you meet them (no judging the person from the surface)... you will never feel doubt and if there is, you will always go back to the good times and renew. LEARNING how to LOVE is such a tricky one because there will always be challenges that will come along the way. 


Life is really complicated when we complicate it. Im sure you agree with me... but I've learned too that in any relationship there are these few waves that we will go through yet we are still grateful for these feelings, the emotions: the pain, the joy, the sorrow, the heartbreak, the tears of both and neither, there are many people out there who encountered or experienced pain and yet.. we still find LOVE at the end. 


Oh well, that's pretty long one. lolz.. Hope you didn't get bored reading.. lolz. 

THE BLAMING GAME

"People spend too much time finding other people to blame, too much energy finding excuses for not being what they are capable of being, and not enough energy putting themselves on the line, growing out of the past, and getting on with their lives." - J. Michael Straczynski

Lately, I notice that the most common conversation I have with other people includes the blaming game. I too play that game sometimes, lolz..

Most of the time, when your expectations didn't happened, your energy simply will diminish. Last night i had a very good talk with a friend. We had a good life sharing moments. We laughed and all..

As we were sitting there. It was then that i started to think about the blame game wondering “If games are supposed to be fun?”  Right then, I realized that these blame game is totally a different kind of game. Even kids have these game too.

Funny to think that sometimes, we just love to pass our faults to other people. Yeah, i encountered that a lot too. Lucky, wisdom wise, we are mature enough to understand things like that. I sat down, took a long deep breath, and thought about the ways I’d contributed to my own unhappiness. In that moment, i realized i was blatantly ignoring vital life lessons too. Instead of blaming others, i should consider what i contributed why things happened the way, i didn't expected.

I believe we are here to learn lessons. Once we learn a lesson we move on to the next lesson. However, if we fail to learn a lesson, we keep finding opportunities to learn it again and again.

Isn’t it weird that sometimes, we just keep blaming others for our fault? Sometimes, even if know we are at fault and yet, we still find way to blame others.

At the end of the day, I've learned that LIFE will continue to throw us the same lessons until we learn from them.