Sometimes, i thought i know what i need to do

I’ve been sitting here in front of my computer for at least an hour trying to decide what to write about today. It’s another new month and it seems that I’ve ignored my blogging for a while now.

This morning I woke up around 4am. I don’t know what happened there but it seems that these (mostly) first week of the month is always a week of “women’s ordeal” not all woman are experiencing like me but probably in different ways. Anyway, so I just woke up because my brain is like a car engine, the moment you press that start bottom then that’s it, it keeps going and going until you decided to stop… period… It would have been easier if the brain is the same thing, right? 

Behind me is a soft playing classical music. (my all time favourites) These calm me down whilst sipping my coffee and blogging at the same time. 

So here’s what is happening. I’ve started and stopped a couple of ideas. I’ve clicked around the many open tabs I have on my computer. I’ve checked my email numerous times. All just trying to find inspiration to write about. I’ve had a streak of blogging at least every Monday for ten months now. That is what I pushed myself to do this year but I almost gave up and broke that streak. I am doing my journal almost everyday and its ok. My journal is mostly like my prayer pages, that I can express mostly of my life dramas and daily activities… and yes, it feels great in the end. 

But here, I thought that I am missing my long blogging. This morning I’m pushing myself to blog something just to divert all these thoughts that are so busy in my little brain. It’s like organizing that compartment and put all these ideas unto their proper categories or perspectives. Lolz 

I closed the tab but then reopened it immediately because I didn’t want to break my commitment to myself so I decided to just type about what I’m struggling with. It shows I’m not perfect. I don’t have all the answers. I don’t have a perfect life.

There are so many areas of my personal and business life that I need to improve if I want to achieve certain goals in my life. I know that if I want to write more, then I can’t just decide on Monday what I’m going to write about and hope inspiration comes to me with a great idea. That’s a horrible strategy.

My day, up until this point, had been going well. I slept great but mostly when I’m not stressed and bothered about something else. I am so blessed with gazillion things and so happy that I’m here typing my thoughts again with these beautiful weather this morning. I am having a good coffee here at home and I am so free to do with whatever things that I wanted here and same time with my part-time work too.

Then here you are suddenly, its like work mode has disappeared. I knew today I needed to blog something but I had just been sitting here for an hour and came up with nothing.

It’s frustrating. I know that this is not how I should be writing. I know I need to better schedule what I’m going to do when I come to this point of writing. I know and pretty aware too that I can’t just decide on the spot what to do. Even though I know this is not the way to do it, I have done it for few years now. I am getting in my own way and holding myself back. Aye! 

I’ve approached my day deciding what to do as I go for as long as I’ve been here for a while now. These pandemic lead me to a full time house Lorna, perhaps it’s the best way to do it. I’ve read books and articles about what the most successful people do and I can’t remember a single one approach their work like I have. They don’t get to the office and decide “Ok what am I going to work on right now?” They don’t do that for a few minutes only to remember an email needs to be replied to and do that real quick before jumping back.

With blogging, I know what I should be doing. I should be blogging every single day. I should have a batch of ideas but I felt like since the day I stop driving around that inspiration went a bit low but I’m giving myself an excuse that not all bloggers are really blogging every single day for the rest of their lives?

So that’s another opportunity for me to grow. I’m currently 45 days into doing 25 pushups at least a day. Struggle but I’m trying reeeeeeaaalllllly hard. I continue to do my walking and doing my Zumba dances too. These are challenges I set for myself to exercise more. I wanted to get into the habit of exercising and do so by starting small. So I’m doing good in that area but there’s much more that I need to be doing. As always, starting with small things will go beyond before you even know it. true. 

I remember I blogged something about my first week of 2020. With all those promises, I remember telling myself that I do want my 2020 to be a year of transformation and yes, here it is. I know I can’t keep doing the same old things and expect different results.

I feel better now at least for writing my blog today. It’s not what I had planned, but I do hope that this is a kick in the butt for me to start changing how I do a lot of things.

SIMPLY DEFINING my CLOSURE

“You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.” ~Unknown

The word CLOSURE keep running to me little brain after my (final or last) meeting yesterday in Vietnam and i was like trying to find that subject that i can resemble to that matter. Is it weird to feel the need for closure? For whole trip I end up exploring the notion of closure, the more convinced I become that the issue isn’t about closure per se, but rather redefining what closure is. I think these is the part where sunflower came to me mind, I have no idea as to why.. 

Is it maybe the sunflower defines that notion.. The sunflower follows the sun. There's always hope and tomorrow, simply like that.. or maybe Im talking crap right now or maybe it says that when the sunflower bend down and fall its yellow petals unto the ground, it means, ending any kind of relationship or connection or role or I don't know... maybe it doesn't. 

I was on my way to the airport after our meeting yesterday in Hanoi. I had this rather short reflection inside the car and i had this mixed emotions. I felt like I just came out from these very dark cave and I felt so good after seeing the light, it was more of a relief after coming from a crumble situation with all those tears, time and energy for few years. 

For years, I was shackled to the belief that there must be a good end to (any) bad relationship or role, no matter how bad that was and until that happens, its more glorious to move on! I had these past experience dealing with people whom I define 'my past' and clearly no matter how bad they are to me, I feel like... I was able wrapped up that situation and throw all in the bin and i felt good! Until then, that's the part to wipe those hands, clean and go about life with closure...

Sometimes, no matter how good you are to people and agonizing about tying to have these heartfelt and 'necessary' conversations with people with whom you thought you had fallouts but trying seems not to work because only to realize that you're not really important anymore. The statement goes like these... “you got yours, I got mine...” 

This morning, i thought I'm gonna play with my camera and find inspiration to define the word closure. (made me smile just now... ) simply defines as FINALITY? Letting go of what once was? (Yes, i accepted the fact that my husband is dead.) Lots of huge happenings in my life, my past that i can't undo but learning from it. My transition away from what's finished to something new. Simply trying to find something different possibilities. 

I might not have gotten everything I wanted exactly in the way that I had envisioned, but Im glad that I was able to get myself to a place where I understood and accepted a lot of things. 

I was ready to move on and learn to begin a new chapter of my life. Sigh... 

Some days it comes easier than others. There are times when I want to dwell on how much it sucks that I have to work so hard to feel okay sometimes.

On the tough days, I am learning to go inward. I practice positive self-talk, celebrate how far I’ve come, and remind myself that closure is not just one thing. I remind myself that I have the power to create all the closure I need if I keep practicing and having faith.

Lastly, I also learned that you will become a better creature of 'closure' if you don't have any regrets and guilts in your life, no matter how much money you've got, no matter how many countries you've seen or travelled or no matter how far you go, that my friend is no closure for you at all. Forgive yourself and don't grow stubborn and spoiled. Learn to have a good heart and understand that not all people are like you. Be compassionate in the name of love but not in the name of money or material things.

Maybe it’s about learning to become a detective for closure in your everyday life in order to find it in your own way.

...till then, the flowers come and go but hope it doesn't, it remains...