Sometimes, i thought i know what i need to do

I’ve been sitting here in front of my computer for at least an hour trying to decide what to write about today. It’s another new month and it seems that I’ve ignored my blogging for a while now.

This morning I woke up around 4am. I don’t know what happened there but it seems that these (mostly) first week of the month is always a week of “women’s ordeal” not all woman are experiencing like me but probably in different ways. Anyway, so I just woke up because my brain is like a car engine, the moment you press that start bottom then that’s it, it keeps going and going until you decided to stop… period… It would have been easier if the brain is the same thing, right? 

Behind me is a soft playing classical music. (my all time favourites) These calm me down whilst sipping my coffee and blogging at the same time. 

So here’s what is happening. I’ve started and stopped a couple of ideas. I’ve clicked around the many open tabs I have on my computer. I’ve checked my email numerous times. All just trying to find inspiration to write about. I’ve had a streak of blogging at least every Monday for ten months now. That is what I pushed myself to do this year but I almost gave up and broke that streak. I am doing my journal almost everyday and its ok. My journal is mostly like my prayer pages, that I can express mostly of my life dramas and daily activities… and yes, it feels great in the end. 

But here, I thought that I am missing my long blogging. This morning I’m pushing myself to blog something just to divert all these thoughts that are so busy in my little brain. It’s like organizing that compartment and put all these ideas unto their proper categories or perspectives. Lolz 

I closed the tab but then reopened it immediately because I didn’t want to break my commitment to myself so I decided to just type about what I’m struggling with. It shows I’m not perfect. I don’t have all the answers. I don’t have a perfect life.

There are so many areas of my personal and business life that I need to improve if I want to achieve certain goals in my life. I know that if I want to write more, then I can’t just decide on Monday what I’m going to write about and hope inspiration comes to me with a great idea. That’s a horrible strategy.

My day, up until this point, had been going well. I slept great but mostly when I’m not stressed and bothered about something else. I am so blessed with gazillion things and so happy that I’m here typing my thoughts again with these beautiful weather this morning. I am having a good coffee here at home and I am so free to do with whatever things that I wanted here and same time with my part-time work too.

Then here you are suddenly, its like work mode has disappeared. I knew today I needed to blog something but I had just been sitting here for an hour and came up with nothing.

It’s frustrating. I know that this is not how I should be writing. I know I need to better schedule what I’m going to do when I come to this point of writing. I know and pretty aware too that I can’t just decide on the spot what to do. Even though I know this is not the way to do it, I have done it for few years now. I am getting in my own way and holding myself back. Aye! 

I’ve approached my day deciding what to do as I go for as long as I’ve been here for a while now. These pandemic lead me to a full time house Lorna, perhaps it’s the best way to do it. I’ve read books and articles about what the most successful people do and I can’t remember a single one approach their work like I have. They don’t get to the office and decide “Ok what am I going to work on right now?” They don’t do that for a few minutes only to remember an email needs to be replied to and do that real quick before jumping back.

With blogging, I know what I should be doing. I should be blogging every single day. I should have a batch of ideas but I felt like since the day I stop driving around that inspiration went a bit low but I’m giving myself an excuse that not all bloggers are really blogging every single day for the rest of their lives?

So that’s another opportunity for me to grow. I’m currently 45 days into doing 25 pushups at least a day. Struggle but I’m trying reeeeeeaaalllllly hard. I continue to do my walking and doing my Zumba dances too. These are challenges I set for myself to exercise more. I wanted to get into the habit of exercising and do so by starting small. So I’m doing good in that area but there’s much more that I need to be doing. As always, starting with small things will go beyond before you even know it. true. 

I remember I blogged something about my first week of 2020. With all those promises, I remember telling myself that I do want my 2020 to be a year of transformation and yes, here it is. I know I can’t keep doing the same old things and expect different results.

I feel better now at least for writing my blog today. It’s not what I had planned, but I do hope that this is a kick in the butt for me to start changing how I do a lot of things.

 Rewind: Two Weeks Before the NCOV Lockdown: Auntie grant her nephews wish - To witness the sun rise in Atok

A couple of weeks ago before the home quarantine and the super lockdown. Me and my nephews drove to Atok to witness the sunrise. They’ve always wanted to join me for a drive but it was difficult to plan with their school schedules. And at long last, we finally found a time that worked for all of us!

In the end, we found the perfect weekend for us to drive around Atok. “Auntie, can we go to Atok please to where you took those photos of sun rise?” I was always hesitant to say “yes” because of their school schedule. Anyway, a day before we left for Atok, my three nephews came for sleep over because we needed to wake up very early the next day. 

We left home at exactly 4.25am and we arrived around 5.45am in Atok, I took my time driving as the  three boys were all sleeping inside the car. 

When we arrived in Atok, I took them to the spot where we can all relax whilst watching the sun rise. I had my super hot coffee with me, enjoyed  sipping whilst watching my three nephews so amazed watching the sunrise… “Thank you auntie for this..” They said as the sunrises. (i felt genuinely happy to hear that…) We’ve been planing this for almost months now and just by watching my three nephews happy I absolutely loving the sight and yes, I am truly blessed and every day, I am thankful for it. 

After our sunrise watching, we went to the Haights because its my favorite place to hang out and for breakfast, their menu is good for kids too… my three nephews enjoyed it very much. Then we continued our adventure, we went to the Grotto and there they are, enjoying their super free time. Me shouting here and there.. “please be careful when hopping on the rocks…” So much fun in the end.  

On our way back, we dropped quickly at the (former) highest point and they had some photo taken, thought to visit the Northern Blossom too but they were all disappointed with the massive number of visitors queuing. So much people so they said.. “auntie, we better go and eat our lunch!” So much relieved when I heard that because I have no interest of going inside the place… so much crowd.

On our way back home, I asked them if they enjoyed our road trip and they said, “The best day ever, auntie!”

To end our adventure, we wrapped up our lunch at the small local restaurant. We all had our own  choices of food to eat then head back home after wards. What a day. Totally fun filled adventure  and spending some quality ok time with my nephews, is something that I will treasure too. Thank you Father God for everything.

Here they are, enjoying the view before heading back home… 

Erros, once you’re on top of the world… 

Calm Carlhly on the edge.. 

When taking photos are the only way to bring out the best in you.. (raise the roof..)

Walking around the Haights… 

Boys watching the sunrise...

Another lovely adventure with nephews and thought we all had a great time! 

TWO TONES

In these unprecedented times, we do our part to be mindful of the health and safety of not only ourselves but everyone in our community. While we distance ourselves, we remain at home and find things to do. Making yourself busy inside the house is challenging especially if you are used to being active. So, I found myself opening old storage of photographs. These were my “untouched” or raw photos. I kept them for reasons that I might be needing them someday. Now that I am viewing them, it made me reflect and remember how I came to be involved with photography.

In June or July 2000, I first started with my d-SLR and at that time I thought my photography was hot stuff. There I was with a big heavy (manual) Minolta camera and a detachable lens! Well let me tell you a secret.

Back then, I really had NO idea what I was doing. Even though I never used full auto (the green box), I was a fan of the “face symbol” (portrait) and “running man” (sport) icons.  I let the camera decide most of what happened. For my first few months using the Minolta manual camera, I had no idea what ISO, Aperture, and Speed really meant. I read the manual, joined some photography workshops to understand their purpose, especially understanding exposure, I also did a little research online but most of the time I practiced and practiced some more. A lot of times, I was impatient because photo printing or having your photos developed took so long.

Recently, I was looking through old photos from year 2002. I thought I would try something and play with the lights and to see if I can come up with a theme. I cringed.  Then I analyzed a few more. The biggest things I noticed were underexposure and lack of clarity.  My photos were NOT sharp and one after another were dark.  Remember, I was in a form of “auto” mode.  The camera is smart, but not that smart.

In early 2003, I joined another photography workshop. The workshop helped me understand more about cameras and how to operate them. I learned about the sources of lights, time of the day and lots of basic rules including the rule of the thirds, etc. I was in full manual mode for exposure and things improved a lot. I got so excited to learn more and to improve myself, I joined different kinds of photography workshops.

Also, whenever I can afford, I upgraded my lenses. I donated my old Minolta camera and tried Nikon which made a huge difference. But the biggest difference, in hindsight was learning to select my focus points in the back of my camera. When I was first learning, everyone said “focus and recompose.”  And so, I did.  This led to one soft or blurry image after another.  My depth of field was somehow, a “come what may…” They were just never crisp.

Later in 2003, I landed on my first project and that was the Street Photography.

I experimented with all the icons of my camera just to compare the differences of images. What is it like to use the “auto” symbol or the “M-S-P-A”? At first, I didn’t see any difference, but you can tell, most of them were not sharp, not crisp.

Now that I am looking at them, I am laughing because back then, I thought they were okay, but I can tell you honestly, they are not tack sharp. I remember I had to asked someone to help me with focusing and capturing the subject that I wanted, until I was told that, I had to keep taking photos and choose which image best describe the current event or emotions. Journalism.

I enjoyed doing that freelance gig and enjoyed describing the photos. Working with the street children and documenting their life stories gave me mix emotions. It both beautiful and sad. It was an honor to witness the happenings in their lives.

Today, I am not going to share those street children photos. I was looking through my old photos and came across of some images that were supposedly for my 2008 photo exhibit in Thailand. We ended up not using these images because we changed the theme for the exhibit. Now I have time to re-edit them and I thought it would be nice to share some of them here.

These images remind me of the last project I had about stripes, two tones color in the wild. It was exciting because it allowed me to walk around the park where I saw different animals and able to observe their natures.

To sum up my thoughts, I am happy to share my mistakes with the world of photography because I believe that it is important to track your own growth as a photographer. You should only compare your photography to your own past work.  If you start looking at other photographers, you will always find someone better than you, and some worse.  And you will never gain self-confidence.

I want you to learn from my mistakes.  If even a few people look back at their old photos today and see how they have grown, it is so much worth it.  If you come back to this post and share a tip in the comments on what was instrumental in improving your photography, others can learn from you too. I expect to look back at my current work someday and think “wow, in 2012, I had no clue…”

Here’s an “instant flashback” of mine.  I did a quick re-edit, which helped, but I know if I was in this same location today the photo would be much improved in focused, lighting, composition and more.  As the unknown authored quote goes, “Strive to be a better version of yourself.”

Thank you for taking the time to read my rather lengthy note about photography today. Be passionate in what you do. Motivation and inspiration have always a way of coming to you.

Be well and stay safe, hopefully this global pandemic will soon be behind us! 🙏🌹