SIMPLY DEFINING my CLOSURE

“You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.” ~Unknown

The word CLOSURE keep running to me little brain after my (final or last) meeting yesterday in Vietnam and i was like trying to find that subject that i can resemble to that matter. Is it weird to feel the need for closure? For whole trip I end up exploring the notion of closure, the more convinced I become that the issue isn’t about closure per se, but rather redefining what closure is. I think these is the part where sunflower came to me mind, I have no idea as to why.. 

Is it maybe the sunflower defines that notion.. The sunflower follows the sun. There's always hope and tomorrow, simply like that.. or maybe Im talking crap right now or maybe it says that when the sunflower bend down and fall its yellow petals unto the ground, it means, ending any kind of relationship or connection or role or I don't know... maybe it doesn't. 

I was on my way to the airport after our meeting yesterday in Hanoi. I had this rather short reflection inside the car and i had this mixed emotions. I felt like I just came out from these very dark cave and I felt so good after seeing the light, it was more of a relief after coming from a crumble situation with all those tears, time and energy for few years. 

For years, I was shackled to the belief that there must be a good end to (any) bad relationship or role, no matter how bad that was and until that happens, its more glorious to move on! I had these past experience dealing with people whom I define 'my past' and clearly no matter how bad they are to me, I feel like... I was able wrapped up that situation and throw all in the bin and i felt good! Until then, that's the part to wipe those hands, clean and go about life with closure...

Sometimes, no matter how good you are to people and agonizing about tying to have these heartfelt and 'necessary' conversations with people with whom you thought you had fallouts but trying seems not to work because only to realize that you're not really important anymore. The statement goes like these... “you got yours, I got mine...” 

This morning, i thought I'm gonna play with my camera and find inspiration to define the word closure. (made me smile just now... ) simply defines as FINALITY? Letting go of what once was? (Yes, i accepted the fact that my husband is dead.) Lots of huge happenings in my life, my past that i can't undo but learning from it. My transition away from what's finished to something new. Simply trying to find something different possibilities. 

I might not have gotten everything I wanted exactly in the way that I had envisioned, but Im glad that I was able to get myself to a place where I understood and accepted a lot of things. 

I was ready to move on and learn to begin a new chapter of my life. Sigh... 

Some days it comes easier than others. There are times when I want to dwell on how much it sucks that I have to work so hard to feel okay sometimes.

On the tough days, I am learning to go inward. I practice positive self-talk, celebrate how far I’ve come, and remind myself that closure is not just one thing. I remind myself that I have the power to create all the closure I need if I keep practicing and having faith.

Lastly, I also learned that you will become a better creature of 'closure' if you don't have any regrets and guilts in your life, no matter how much money you've got, no matter how many countries you've seen or travelled or no matter how far you go, that my friend is no closure for you at all. Forgive yourself and don't grow stubborn and spoiled. Learn to have a good heart and understand that not all people are like you. Be compassionate in the name of love but not in the name of money or material things.

Maybe it’s about learning to become a detective for closure in your everyday life in order to find it in your own way.

...till then, the flowers come and go but hope it doesn't, it remains...

MY LETTER TO YOU

October 24, 2017

Michel My love,

I always adore you, my love.

I know you had enough of me saying “I love you” all the time – but I don't only say, I write it. I write it because it makes me warm all over inside to write it to you.

It is such a terribly long time since I say “I love you” and such a long time that I didn't read any of your little notes left inside my books or on the kitchen counters or left in every corner of our 'home' – It's almost two years now and feels like forever. I know that writing is wonderful because even when you're gone – looking at your little notes seems like you're here, just there.... I don't know if that makes a lot of sense but I guess most might agree with me. I still continue to smell your little notes. I love that unique scent. Best perfume in the world.

My love, my husband and I call each other... “my better or my other half”. I know and understood your messages. I keep reading them and I carry them with me in my wallet so when i'm down, I just read your notes. It's helping me a lot. I just want to tell you that I love you. I know you may not be able to read this letter but you sure did read all my past notes to you. You said, “thank you sweety, I love you too.. i'm such a blessed and lucky man..”

Honestly, I find it so hard to understand in my mind what it means to love you after you are dead – but I still want to comfort and support you (emotionally) in every way I can. - I want you to love me and care for me. I miss talking and sharing problems to discuss with you – I want to do little projects with you. I love to hear you saying, “well done sweety!” whenever I accomplish something. We started to make plans together and find it funny after discussing our terms together. - I miss your big laugh which is only once and in a while to hear. I miss everything about you! - can't do anything now. All are just plain figment of my imaginations, where is the “ideal man” and general instigator of all our many adventures.

Whenever you were not present to our special days, you worried because you thought I am sad. You needn't have worried nor sad. Just as I keep telling you, I love you in so many ways so much. And now it is clearly even more true – you can give me nothing now yet I love you so that you stand in my way of loving anyone else – but I want you to stand there. You, dead, are so much better than anyone else alive.

This reminds me of the child, she was so scared with the ghost when she was young and when she grew up, she realized that the humans are more scarier. Funny but I tend to agree. I understand that now my love, so true. Sometimes, people forget that they are ghost themselves. Incredible. Gosh! I am so alone now and time to time, I keep telling to myself that I am so grateful that I've met you too my love because if I didn't meet you. I am most probably in the jungle right now mixed with the other monkeys, keep on leaping like a frog from different trees and when they're not busy they sit down in a staircase type and starts to find KUTO (lice) in their heads. Worst part is that, they eat their own lice.

My love, I remember all those moments that we were sitting at the porch of the hotel. We were talking about a lot of things. LIFE. I just want to write and share to the whole world that, I understood everything. I understood that life is what we make and we are the ones making choices and not other people. I understood that, facing mistakes is more an answer to the solutions and that it's a one step of being brave. I understood that, not all NICE people are NICE and BAD people are BAD. I understood that part of living a perfect life is living with no GUILTs and no REGRETs. A lot of things that I understood my love. You left me with so much treasure, a treasure to live by – not materials things but wisdom. “the body of knowledge and principles that develops within a specified society or period.” “the quality of having experience, knowledge, and good judgement, the quality of being WISE.” - see, the definition explains very well my love.

I am very aware now that you assure me that I am foolish and that you want me to have full happiness and you don't want to be in my way. Remember this part of our conversation whenever we are traveling? It was in Iceland when we were standing on that beautiful landscape viewing that huge and long waterfalls? It was very calm and all we can hear was the sound of the water falling, you said and I quote, “when I'm gone sweety, go and fly, live the life, continue living, you're still a young chick... go.. spread your wings...” - I remember I replied and said... “nobody is going to die, we will live.. we will spend two hundred years together!” then we laugh.. yes, you kiss my forehead and that was the other best part of my life, being with you... I LOVE YOU!

Lately my love, my life is more like a rolling coaster. My hormones is giving me so much trouble sometimes and believe me, i'm going nuts and bananas too! I thought I was climbing the wall! It took a while for me to settle and to calm down my love, looks like your technique of breathing IN and OUT is kind of working on me. I am also doing your stretching sessions. It works pretty well and I keep pushing myself to continue doing it.

Anyways, my love, I better finish my coffee now. It's getting colder and doesn't taste good. Guess what, I was listening to the song, Unchained Melody, soundtrack from the movie Ghost, remember we watched this twice? This made me think that perhaps, i'm gonna learn pottery and when I am good with controlling the pottery making, I will save a room just for pottery and will play the music, unchained melody and who knows maybe you will be there.... dancing with me? Funny. Movie perks!

Sigh... My love, strange but now its raining outside and its sunny too, bizarre. I think the weather knows my sentiments. I am not sad now because you are in my heart always. You know that I love you and that you loved me too. I am just really glad that we had that one moment in time before you passed out, we had this moment of appreciating each other, how blessed we were, I remember you keep telling me when we were rushing you to the hospital, how much you loved me and that you were so blessed that you have me in your life and I do too. Your last words, “I am so blessed to have you in my life, sweety. I love you”

My love Michel, I love you. I love my husband. My husband is dead.

Lorna

ps. I was not able to send you this email because my love, I honestly don't know your new address

VISITING THE PHU QUOC PRISON

"To be able to get testimony from the revolutionary prisoners, the prison guards at Phu Quoc applied different methods of brutal torture to the prisoners. Some of the tortures include, electric chair injection, breaking one's tooth while other watch crucifixion thrown in a hot pan or hot tank."

Sadness, misery, agony, terrifying and anger are just but the few words that describes the emotions I felt yesterday when we visited the prison. I honestly don't understand but the moment I stepped in inside the prison ground, I felt this heavy burden, having ghost bumps and really pure sadness. I really thought I'm emotionally strong when it comes to things like this but this is completely a different story. Visiting the prison made me realize and understand why some people are so bitter, mean and disliking other people. Hearth breaking. 

inside the prisoners barracks

"The Phu Quoc prison also known as the Coconut Tree prison is located in An Thoi Village Phu Quoc and is one of the largest prisons in Southern Vietnam. The prison held more than 32,000 prisoners and sometimes the prison will hold 40,000 inmates, this was more than the number of people living in Phu Quoc at the time.

The prison was re-built by the U.S troops after it was first build by the French troops during the Indochina war. The new prison had rooms for men, women and elders, new blocks were constructed to imprison more Vietnamese soldiers in 1966 amid tight security and tight supervision all the time."

Yes, I've seen and visited the Killing Fields and the Toul Sleng Genocide Museum in Phnom Penh, Cambodia where they 'exhibiting the photographs of the site from Pol Pot's secret prison code named "S-21" during his genocidal rule in 1975-79. It was between 1-2 million Cambodians and many thousands of foreigners were starved, tortured, or killed during this reign of terror." I've also visited the Catacombs of Paris, France which holds the remains of over six million people in a small part of the ancient mines of Paris tunnel network.

I meant to mention the two museums that i've seen because I'm trying to understand the emotional differences I felt when i visited the prison camp. Here, they have recreated a part of the larger prison camp and re-built it to it's former condition using models of soldiers prisoners to depict many horrific scenes throughout the area. Many of the models are shown being tortured in a variety of ways but the most gruesome has to be the barbwire tigers cages. Small two feet high cages only large enough to fit a person in set outside in the heat of the day and cold of night where the information advises on little for and water and fires being set next to them to further burn the prisoners until their skin just came away. Must have been a terrible ordeal. Mind you most of the torture was pretty horrific and the models on display enabled you to get a good impression on how things must have been.

Prisoner in the hot pot.

Prisoner tied, hanged and beaten.

Different ways of torturing the Prisoners

Burying the prisoner alive (photo borrowed from google)

I am not over acting but I honestly, cant stop my tears from falling. It's just about around 2pm when we arrived there, sunny and pretty humid. With my big sunglasses on, I discreetly drying my tears when Ms. Tuyen, my tour guide that day says whilst she's gently comforting me.

Prisoners are locked (more than 8 hours)  inside the container where its very hot, dirty and smelly.

As I'm walking towards the wax exhibits, I suddenly felt this strong connection from the past. It was like two worlds experience. You're in the future and yet the feelings or emotions you have at that moment is on the past. I was telling myself, lucky i didn't experience this events and lucky i was not born or as there during the years of wars. There were about 21 prisoners who where lucky enough to escape from that prison, they dig a tunnel using spoons or any objects that can help on that part, unfortunately, some of them died in the forest because of starvation and some survived and their descendants carry their legacy.

Prisoners are escaping

"To escape from the "Hell on Earth", the prisoners organized over 40 jailbreaks between July 1972 and about 300 inmates escaped to resume their revolutionary cause."

Prisoner digging the tunnel using spoons or any hard materials to dig the soil.

"The entrance of tunnel was usually dug beneath their sleeping planks and was camouflaged carefully. A team was in charge of guarding while other were digging. Tools were rudimentarily made by the prisoners themselves from whatever possible such as spoons or pieces of waste canteens, barbwire and dustbins.

Barbwires to avoid prisoners from escaping

Notably, the first 120m-long tunnel was dug at Room 13 of Prison Camp B2 in late 1969. It took the prisoners half a year to complete the work to enable 21 prisoners to successfully escape. In addition, a 113 meter-long tunnel at Prison Camp A4 men to the freedom in the late of night in December 23rd 1971."

"Among possible ways to escape, such as secretly jumping over fences, attacking enemy troops while they escorted the prisoners to work in field, or digging secrete tunnels which was proven to be the most effective one."

Here's how the original Tiger cage looks like. Saw this outside the prison.

The original Tiger cage (where they detained the prisoner) left outside the prison camp. 

With this recent experience, my anger changed to pity. I felt pity for all of them. The prison emphasized so much on the torturing towards the prisoners and when you think about it, the soldiers are like robots, they are as well doing what it being told them to do so. I think, they all are the victims here. The prison is a must see once you are in Phu Quoc island. I must say that this was the highlight of my trip that day. The moment you go in, you will feel that hardship, the tortures (both emotional and physical) and a big relief once you are out of the prison like the 21 prisoners did.

WHEN I'M FRUSTRATED (like normal person does...)

...tell me, i thought, sometimes.... just sometimes, its better being judged by strangers or people or relatives or cousins than you judging them... for those who understands what I'm trying to say here, they will definitely agree with me.. sigh..

Of course, we all don't want being judged but in this life, its either you allow yourself as their prey or you will choose to live the life.

I learned that, with many experiences and encounters its better to continue doing good things, either people will acknowledge it or not.I had this experience of helping a very close person say for example as close as like a cousin and at the end of the day, what I'm getting is something unexpected. 

I became a victim of their ignorance, hatred and insecurities of their lives.Some people are really self centered and unfortunately, attention cravers and when you don't give your attention, you're the bad guy. Sorry, suckers! i've got more important errand to do. Knowing the truth (of what you people did...) is good enough and that only proves how self inflicted and so grand jealous you suckers of what we have. 

Im not a religious person but i know what is good and what is bad. I don't pull you down but instead i will LIFT you up. I'm pretty frustrated with what I've find out, but I'm glad i found out earlier.

Sometimes, I'm telling myself, i should avoid sharing to the entire world the way i felt but... hey, I'm a human too, i have feelings like you...  

BUT I always believe that karma will fix all things for some to learn. I will now close that door and for you, who always criticize me. Hurray, I'm giving the crown... but wait.. I have to take it back because it doesn't fit you at all.

WEEKEND AT THE VINPEARL GOLF LAND RESORT & VILLAS

It's at least an hour and a half flight from Hanoi to Nah Trang. The flight went pretty well and yes, the sunset view up there was really good. Attempted to take photos but when you're sitting near the exit area, so awkwrd to walk around to take a perfect shot of the sunset.

Re-thinking, I think im getting used to living in a cold weather like Hanoi already, to be honest a similar weather like in Baguio, where I came from. I'm aware that summer weather is gonna be pretty hot but its good to enjoy the season this time of the year.

Landed in NAH TRANG - I always love arriving in Nah Trang, the weather, the people and the place. Not so fancy like a huge city full of traffic and the huzzling and buzzling, lots of highrise building but Nah Trang is so peaceful and zen... at least for me... ;) BUT I think its also important as well to stay somewhere located in a place where you feel at ease. VINPEARL. I thought the place is located in a great location for finding serene. The moment you arrived in the Island, all you wanted to do is leave everything (your stuff) in your hotel room and get out and enjoy the place. The sea view that is soooooo welcoming and the outdoor activities that is appropriate for any age.

Here, we arrived around 7.30 pm and when the lights are on. It's such a beauty. Vinpearl Golf Land Resort & Villas, built on a scenic and peaceful place. I thought the hotel is fabulous! What I love about this place is so new that everything inside are soooo sparkly. When staying in a new hotel, I always love exploring the place. I enjoy viewing their interior decorations, designs, the kids club, restaurants and bar and the combination of modern and cultural ambience in presenting their unique perspectives and etc.. BEAUTIFUL!

So yeah! From a cloudy weather to a blue skies.. Have a great warm weekend my beau-friends!

IT'S HARMLESS!

"We still enjoy swimming." says the couple vacationer swimming this morning at the beach. I went for a walk this morning and I've seen a bit of the dead sea grass floating covering the crystal clear waters. 

If you've been on the water in Nah Trang yesterday you've seen clear water but this morning, you are looking at dead sea grass plaguing the area. The staff here told me that this is the time of the year when dead sea grass are floating on beaches. I was thinking that it's probably the effect of the typhoon which is happening nearby countries. I've been to few beaches but I don't remember seeing dead sea grass this much. The moment I opened my curtain, I saw them floating near the shore, “fisherman are not affected as its not really covering a lot of the sea.” say's the hotel staff.

The fresh water kills the sea grass -- meaning some sea life must go elsewhere. "It's essential for their survival. Whether it be for their reproduction or just as a refuge for their habitat, without those sea grasses they can no longer reproduce or use those areas.” 

 

It was indeed a cleaning up time on for the beaches. I was looking at them collecting the brown sea grass and putting them on the boats to dispose. The cleaning took at least few days. For now, the dead sea grass come and go but at least it's not a lot like the other weeks. I've seen that tourist are enjoying their time because they have access to the sea. 

THE BEAUTY OF NATURE

The beauty of the nature always fascinates me. I don't know why but I guess I'm just someone who admire it. Yes, of course, sometimes, its scary but look for example, whenever a volcano explodes, we are scared and yet say, amazing! #Nature sometimes look ugly and yet its still beautiful. <3 

I had my mind blown a while back by Albert #Einstein's quote; “ Look deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better.” - Thought it describes not only the #environment and #emotions, #feelings.  Now, as I am re-reading it, again I am finding my head nodding in response to everything he says, like...”UNDERSTANDING is having a clear insight into ideas and feelings. We are mindful of what is most important. We go the extra mile to put ourselves in somebody else’s shoes in order to forgive. We treasure knowledge and use our minds to explore what is real and true.”

I am always eager anticipating his new quotes that keeps coming online. Thanks to google for sharing over hundreds of it. Lolz.. 

By saying all saying all these, I feel a soul kinship to his words and thoughts that most of the time resonate so deeply with some of the photos im taking. I may not be able to describe each of the photos im taking but when you connect them through quotes perhaps it links too.

Thank you so much for these beautiful photo. Yes, most of the time, the photo speaks  for itself. 

(photo borrowed on google engine)